Originally posted here.
Two-Score’s First Tale
Gather ‘round, friends, and hear another tale of my valourous deeds! For those who care to listen, my deeds, and those of my not-quite-equally impressive team mates, will take you far from your ordinary life. Be warned: this excitement is part of my everyday life, but those of weaker constitution should see themselves seated.
The story begins, as do most heroic epics, with a call to action. This time from our great General Teo Ammot, hero of the great battle of Galderia. Under his watch the Troll god was slain and banished from this realm. May its remains never awaken. The great General insisted that I help him with a situation most urgent. Together, with a band of ruffians (hired for their low price), I was to lead an assault on the noble manor or our Lord Ammot just outside town.
This was no ordinary manor, though. Nay, far from it. This was the manor used to house none other than Princess, the young dragon, adopted child of our powerful monarchs. It seems that kobolds, who had been impressed to the service of the realm, had revolted. Their horrible scaly bodies were amassed in a nearly impenetrable perimeter, defensive measures as you have never seen constructed throughout the yard.
These poor, blasphemous creatures stood no chance against the combined power of my party’s assault (especially with my tactical acumen to guide them). Even without consultation, I and my comrades charged the insolent servants. Our Elven barbarian, a rough lass clad in crude leathers, struck the first blow. Her foot landed squarely in the crotch of the nearest sign-carrying beast, and the battle was upon us. The stricken kobold fell, nearly slain from the powerful impact. The party wizard, Doctor Marcus Xavier , presciently cast Mage Armor on your humble storyteller, rendering him nearly untouchable.
It was in this instant, flush with the elation of our first strike, that I called a challenge to my eternal enemies: the remaining kobolds. Let it never be said that Two-Score Tenpence was not immensely brave. Half a dozen kobolds responded with their typically simplistic tactic. Swords raised, they charged. Laying in wait for our foes, Notorious, the Bio-Infused Golem, cast a pall of fog upon the battlefield. To our huge advantage, the kobolds were scattered by this maneuver, their line of sight completely severed.
Thinking quickly, I cast a simple disguise on myself, appearing as a kobold myself. Thus, concealed within the fog bank, when the kobolds arrived they believed I was one of their own, arrived early. Nary a draconic question was asked as I pointed, yelled, and charged. Emboldened, they allowed my to lead their assault ever deeper into the rolling cloud. Knowing my team mates were mere paces away spurred me to lead these marauding malcontents on a merry chase.
While courageously seeking out my fellow heroes, I could see strange forms taking shape in the mists. As though approaching from a great distance, the eight-legged creature grew from a distant speck to a massive flurry of legs. In the instant of complete realization, the man-sized spider threw webbing and venom upon our enemies. Several kobolds were entangled, and the nearest felt the sting of the powerful arachnid’s fangs.
The sound of carnage nearby. I steered my companion kobolds toward a lithe shadow swinging her weapon in great arcs. With each swing a reptilian adversary was slain, blood painting a scarlet mural across the face of Lord Ammot’s manor. I hollered and approached, the prey following close behind. Despite her power, the spectacular elven barbarian struck nothing but air with her repeated blows.
The kobolds swarmed forward, their urgent blows raining down on your hero. With an incredible combination of my spectatcular reflexes and my expertly tailored armor, I managed to escape from all but one of the six kobolds striking at me. Bent backward, dodging blow after blow, I attempted to cast a spell of sleep upon these demons made flash. Despite my best effort, I could not manage to muster sufficient magical strength to enchant the beasts to slumber. With my betrayal now evident, the kobolds pursued me into the ever thinning cloud.
Another eight-legged form emerged from the mist, now, and commenced to devour several more kobolds. Dr. M.X. had summoned yet another enormous and terrifying creature from a distant plane. Its venomous tail hung, arced, above its head. A scorpion of tremendous size scuttled toward another group of protesting and combative kobolds, decapitating one with a quick snip of its pincers.
The fog had now thinned and, peering about, I found that only one kobold remained. The foreman, leader of the picketing creatures. Our barbarian strode forward. With a powerful blow, she split the scaly kobold in twain.
Through teamwork, strength and honour, our team bested a group of rebels and violent offenders of order. Truly, we shall be remembered as the champions of peace and social harmony that saved Galderia from its decades of hate and strife.
As always, farewell, and good luck from your champion, hero, and bard, Two-Score Tenpence.